January 2011. You're important.

January is going to be a big month for me this year, for 3 BIG reasons.

1) tomorrow, my boyfriend and I will have been together for exactly a year and a half. The stuff we have been through is unreal, starting with a trip to see Eddie Haliwell in June 2009 where a drunken kiss led to more plans being made together, pretty much just to party and maybe the odd drunken fumble ;) I don't think either of us had a clue that we were going to be sitting here a year and a half later still together. A trip to a field to see Prodigy play and a night at shine later and we were official. Since then we have been inseparable. Literally. I moved to Belfast and he pretty much lost his job due to his being on the other side of Northern Ireland from it most of the time. What can I say? I'm irresistible. ha. Since living apart was kind of ruining our happiness, in Feb 2009 we moved in together, got a cat and tried to make a nice little home together. Unfortunately the two people that had struck up a relationship in the less than wholesome environment of Shine couldn't shake their partying ways and soon even the cat didn't want to be in the house with us.

On top of all that we had University looming in the distance and to be honest it scared the shit out of both of us. The concept of being at two different Universities and meeting all those new people and having different lives was scary for the two of us since we were two peas in a very little pod. A pod so little that there was no room for anyone else. I'd like to say we weren't jealous people, but that would be an utter lie. Even the thought of him knowing people that i didn't scared the bejesus out of me.

The plan was that we would stay living together in our little house with our little cat and our little cars and travel to seperate Universities, however, Dickweed here, ie me, didn't get into her choice in Norhtern Ireland and arrangements began to move to newcaslte. He decided to move to the neighbouring University of Middlesbrough and we could still see each other all weekend. (we actually see each other like once during the week and all weekend now because we struggle being apart)

Admittedly it was hard, really hard to leave our house, and even now when we drive past I avert my gaze away so that I don't have to look at what I left behind. I have the memories and they won't ever be forgotten. There were days lying on the sofa watching tv was the most amazing thing I could hope to do, because i was with him, but there were also days where I tried to break a mug over his head with blimmin' coffee in it!

But the main thing is that we have made it this far, we have had our problems but we are very much in love and that is what has got us through.

I'm glad to be able to say that I am in a wholesome, loving and rewarding relationship with a guy that better get me a bloody good birthday present when he is in town today :)

2) the second reason that January is a big month for me is that on the 9th my nan will be dead exactly one year, I think that we are going to spread her ashes at White rocks beach. I know that you are all probably thinking that I couldnt be that upset, we all expect our grandparents to die eventually and we couldnt have been that close.

The woman was my angel, my mum my best friend, counsellor everything. She rescued me from myself when I was 15 and changed my life for the better, I used to kick and scream and cry when I had to leave her house when I was little and I was never happier than when I was with her. She inspired me to be everything that I am now and living with her provided me with the only place I have ever really considered home, to lose her was to lose everything, my stability in life and the only person I ever really trusted, but I just thank God if there is one that my mum had me so young or I would never have had the pleasure of knowing this remarkable woman.

3) To lighten the mood significatly (sorry) I will be 21 on the 15th of January and that is the final reason why this month is so important. I think when I was little I thought 21 was OLD, like really old, and if I had asked myself at ten where I would be in my life at 21 I would have said "ugh I guess I'll have a car (had one had to sell it, also took me 2 years to pass, great) I'll have a boyfriend (check :) and probably a house (also had to give that up to go to uni). So my ten year old self probably wouldn't be too impressed with me at this stage, though I think she would be proud that I have 2 great best friends and have finally managed to grow my hair past my shoulders and have tits, so she would probably forgive me.

So my plan is generally to get absolutely shit faced at my party and get some lethal presents.

Thanks January, I'm sure you won't be too bad.

I AM ME x

Amy Pollock Just blog about anything interesting that you see or hear or even that just pops into your head, whether its deep and intellectual or just silly and really funny, because chances are if your friends are the target demographic then should enjoy having an insight into what you find interesting :) write what you feel, and if some people don't like it then who cares because it's your blog not theirs!

What great advice :) i asked my facebook friends what i should blog about, yes I am that desperate for inspiration, awful, and the best answer I got was this one. Amy's response is honest and really what a good blog should be. I wish I naturally had the confidence to blog from my heart about what I saw and did, but I'm so scared of not being successful or what i write not being good enough that I have put this off for years.

My last blog post was almost two years ago. This time two years ago I kept a journal that i wrote in almost every day, and there was so much going on in my little life that I was writing interesting and 'deep' stuff all the time, I mastered the technique of slowing my thoughts down to the point where they flowed from the pen as soon as i thought them. It was an exciting, but stressful time in my life, and with all the things I have been through in the last two years, my life now, which is settled in comparison, comes as a welcomed changed. However settled doesn't make for writing as good as the writing of a 19year old with serious issues!

That's why i think i have 'writer's block' because even if I could bring myself to write every day again, and something interesting happened to me every day, I don't think most of it could ever compare to that time of my life when i was a messy little girl who couldn't let go of a bit of a dark past and had problems coming at me from all angles.

I'm going to try my best not to compare my life now to my life then any more, because as much as my writing was alot better, I have to remind myself that I was incredibly unhappy with myself, and to be perfectly honest with everyone else too. I am it seems, in a much better place now. I have managed to get myself as far as University (studying politics) and a week away from my 21st birthday without totally fucking my life up, and for that I have to congratulate myself.

I'm going to do my absolute best to stick to my resolution and write on this thing every time I think of something to write about.

Thank you Russell for encouraging me and thank you Amy for inspiring me :)

love x

self education

We (he and me) talked about self education. We discussed whether it is possible to educate oneself, to form our own opinions, to not only draw on the facts that we are exposed to in every day life, but on our own experiences.
I think that even the most intelligent of us have to admit that it can be very difficult, if not impossible to form completely organic opinions. To educate oneself personally is perhaps something that is no longer possible. We can watch the documentaries, read the books, go to the lectures. but if we look at gaining information this way, could it not be described as no more than just a form of stealing another persons ideas and thoughts?
Of course if i came up with anything that no one had ever thought before i would be a genius, and perhaps this is no longer a possibility. Perhaps we have reached a state of enlightenment in life that makes original thinking an untouchable novelty, something that is simulated through learning, but not quite experinced by anyone.
There is however a niche in my theory, there is one thing that we are still totally true to ourselves with, one thing that we can still look at with fresh naive and eager eyes. This is in fact the most beautiful thing that we can ever experience, it is love.
When i say love however, i am not in any way trying to simplify what the word means.. I accept that i cannot understand everything about the word itself, about the feelings and the craziness that surrounds it. Because i do not want to take part in the act of simplifying love that the world has forced on us. i do not want to contribute to the demise of the complications surrounding it, and i dont want to help the world in its transformation, i dont want to turn it into a red, heart shaped, 4 letter word. Because that is not all of what it is. i am using it merely to express a point.
the point being that love has kept alot of its dignity in being unexplainable, i believe that it is the one thing in the world that we can in fact self educate ourselves with. because there is no documentary or advice that can educate you on matters of the heart better than our own experiences can. I believe that with the right frame of mind we can educate ourselves, through our experiences, through our dealings with people and our interactions.